It was the eve of our one-year wedding anniversary, and my husband and I had one of our biggest fights. We went to bed angry. Rather, he went to bed, and I went to the couch.
I wept through most of the night, mourning the death of the marriage of my dreams. Sprawled on the couch, crying my eyes out is not how I had envisioned spending the eve of our first anniversary. 😉
At about 3 am – tired, angry and heartbroken – I dragged myself to bed. Edge of the bed to be exact.
Great minutes after, I felt my husband stir and start to reach across the bed.
My heartbreak knew no bounds.
How do you connect when you are still mad at your husband? How do you “still do” when everything within you says “I am done”?
As a newlywed mentor, I’ve witnessed different versions of my questions. And just as I did years ago, many wives chaff at the thought of giving themselves, particularly sexually, when they feel wronged.
Today I want to show you how you can still connect with your man sexually, even if you are displeased with him. And how that’s a good thing for your marriage.
Of course, a good tumble doesn’t automatically smoothen every curved edge of a relationship. And certainly, there are times when the right answer is a “no” because sex can also be an aggravator, instead of aid in healing.
Today’s post is aimed at wives who are in mostly well-adjusted marriages who need a dose of encouragement to pursue intimacy when they don’t feel like it.
So how and why to make love when you are mad at your husband?
Here are four things to remember …
1. You make love because, for your guy, sex isn’t just sex.
It’s said that sex is a love language most husbands speak fluently. I used to wonder about that. But eventually, I figured out that to my husband, physical intimacy is how he processed “I love you.”
Most of us want to feel loved when we are acting unlovely. When we are less than perfect, we want our spouse to accept us still. We don’t want only to be loved just when we are good. We long for acceptance even when we are not.
When we finally begin to think of intimacy as a deep need, not just a physical release, it can change our mindset and ultimately our response in bed.
Making love didn’t fix our big fight that night. Talking, forgiving and clinging to Godly hope did. Nevertheless, making love got the ball rolling.
2. You make love because you need it.
Sex is not just for when things are healthy; it’s also for when they are not. It can be the small cog that turns the big wheel for you.
But because most husbands feel a more urgent desire for sex, we readily assume sex is only for their good and for when they are good.
I knew sex wasn’t just for my husband, but I struggled to remember that when I didn’t want it and he did. Like that night for example. When he reached across the bed (at the risk of being turned down), I struggled.
But eventually, I had to start thinking ahead about what happened after that initial emotional resistance, after the intentional decision to engage.
I remembered how the walls came down in my own heart and the goodwill that followed, which helped us work through difficulties. It turns out that sex for the wife helps release feel-good chemicals, which not only aid in relaxation and stress relief, but also help in bonding with her husband.
God did not create sex for husbands to enjoy and wives to endure: He meant for both husband and wife to enjoy it. And sometimes enjoyment is an intentional decision, not something that rolls into your lap.
[bctt tweet=”God did not create sex for husbands to enjoy and wives to endure: He meant for both husband and wife to enjoy it! —Ngina Otiende #Goddesignedsex #mutualenjoyment” username=””]
3. You make love because sometimes love is a sacrifice.
Not the most romantic headline, but it’s the truth! Making love when you don’t feel like it is not wrong or evil. It’s maturity.
[bctt tweet=”Find out what Ngina means by this—Making love when you don’t feel like it is not wrong or evil. It’s maturity. #maturelove #lessonslearnedinmarriage” username=””]
There are days when you’ll have to think outside yourself and ask, “What is good for us right now? What can I do to build bridges, cut down walls and help our connecting?”
Indeed, sex does not smoothen everything. You still have to talk and practically work through the issue. However, making love can aid the process. When a husband is feeling accepted and you both are more relaxed, it creates a better atmosphere for conflict resolution.
4. You make love because God is in the business of helping us do impossible things.
I quickly learned that making love when upset (at the beginning anyway) is one of those things that I can’t power my way through or even will myself to it.
When my husband reached out to me, he was gentle and requesting … not demanding. I had the option of saying no—a choice I had utilized in the past.
But a few weeks prior, God had been teaching me how to yield to Him instead of to my feelings. So through the tears, I asked God to help me respond according to His will, not mine.
In that moment, my heart and consequently, my body was very far from being “in the mood.” I couldn’t force or power my way through.
So I prayed and invited God into my messy broken heart. Then I gave my faith some legs.
In my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years, I talk about how to invite God into that very moment when you feel “I can’t do this.”
“You might not be feeling very spiritual but start with prayer. God authored sex, and if there’s anyone who knows how to make it work, it’s Him. Nothing loud, long drawn or fancy, just real talk with God telling him how you feel and asking him to help you get in the frame of lovemaking.”
One of the things I love about the difficulties of marriage is that they give us an opportunity to see God move on our behalf. After all, no one ever received a miracle if they didn’t need one.
[bctt tweet=”Find out what opportunities the difficulties of marriage give us in the hands of a good, powerful and redemptive God! #surrender #goodforthesoul #goodforthemarriage” username=””]
Making love when you don’t feel like gives you the opportunity to see 2 Corinthians 12: 10 come alive in our bedroom—“That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses ... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
The anniversary
The night before our first anniversary was heartrending. But everything began to shift early in the morning and by daybreak (after catching a few hours of sleep) the tensions had lifted.
We still had work to do, but we were on speaking terms. We went ahead and squeezed in a fun one-year anniversary celebration.
How did we get from not speaking to actually celebrating?
Intimacy played a significant role.
It can play an essential role in your marriage too!
You don’t have to wait to feel like making love to make love; you can ask the Author of intimacy to help you. And then give that faith and prayer some legs.
Ngina Otiende is a wife, author and mentor. She’s the founder of Intentional Today, a ministry dedicated to helping newlywed wives create intentional happily-ever-afters so they can enjoy marriage as God intended. She’s the Author of several books/ebooks, including the popular Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years. Get access to her marriage library, including the popular eBook “49 Things Every Newlywed Couple Should Know” when you sign up on her website. Click here to sign up!
How has being intentional served your marriage?
What would you do differently about friendship and intimacy if you could go back to the early days of marriage?
I’d love it if you’d check out my latest devotional at devotableapp.com – “Staying in Step with God.” It just might be the spiritual boost you need!
Here’s some exciting news! Kelly R. Baker will be offering a blog series called, “15 Ways to Strengthen Your Faith While Walking with God.” I happen to be on the team of 15 Christian bloggers—providing inspirational resources to encourage you in your faith walk. Not only that but I get the distinct privilege of speaking on how to walk with God in marriage! How cool is that?! I hope you’ll check it out!
If you’d like to read the other posts in this series, click on this link—”Lessons Learned in Marriage“. And the graphic below reveals all of the other bloggers who are participating. Next week Donna Reidland will be sharing, “Blended Families – Biblical Love in Action.” Her post will give you the biblical handles you need to effectively navigate this challenge in your own blended family.
Here are some lovely linkups I join – Inspire Me Monday, Literary Musing Mondays, Tea and Word Tuesday, Purposeful Faith, Tell His Story, Recharge Wednesday, Porch Stories Linkup, Break Through Homeschooling Linkup, Coffee for Your Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies Wednesday, Encouraging Word Wednesday, Sitting Among Friends, Destination Inspiration, Grace Moments Linkup, Imparting Grace, Tune in Thursday, Heart Encouragement, Moments of Hope, Grace and Truth, Faith and Friends, Blogger Voices Network, Faith on Fire Friday, Fresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday
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